Unfinished Words

Last winter/spring/summer, I collected yogurt lids in the hope of getting the right letters to win a beach vacation.  I didn't get them.  But I did end up with tons of lettered lids in my desk drawer at work.  When I left my job, I saved the lids so I could use them for an elaborate art project for my then-boyfriend.  When we broke up, I saved the lids because I couldn't bear to throw out the results of such a sustained effort toward something.  When I moved out of my apartment, I finally got rid of the lids, but first I took this picture because I didn't want the letters to have been a complete waste:

All of those letters scattered on the floor made me realize something: sometimes you have to go through a lot of wrong words before finding the right one.  And also, I ate a lot of yogurt last year.

I Like Words

You always read about people who've taken a creative, bold, and usually seemingly silly approach to getting hired and ultimately reaching their goals, and you think, Well, sure, it worked for this guy/gal, but that's the exception.  I don't really feel like an exception.  (Maybe you don't think exactly that because you don't use the word "gal," but you get the idea.)

But these days, these acts of "nonconformity," if you want to call them that, are actually so abundant that they've almost become the norm.  So why haven't I done something like it yet?  Why haven't I written a letter like this one (that, in 1934, probably was a little more unique)?

I guess it's because I feel like these ploys are gimmicky, and I shouldn't have to stoop so low as to stand out based on my tactic.  I should be successful based purely on my talent. 

Of course, there's the argument that people who come up with these tactics are obviously creative and talented.  And then also the one about who cares how you were discovered, because in the end the important thing is that you were.

Both very good arguments.

Grammatically Incorrect Words

In years past, I may have delighted in today's holiday, smug in the knowledge that even if I sometimes break grammar rules, I almost always know them.  I may have felt a little sad for the future, acknowledging that writing the possessive its with the apostrophe is becoming so common that it may soon become acceptable (I mean, I hope it doesn't, but you never know).

But this year I've decided not to gloat about the fact that I understand when to use "your" and "you're."  I've decided not to write about funny grammatical errors other have made.  Instead, I'm celebrating by remembering that, while fairly important (at least to me), proper grammar isn't everything.

Tomorrow, I will go back to making fun of people who can't distinguish between a comma and a period.  Today, I will just wish you a happy National Grammar Day.

Your Words

Sometimes I wonder if, by immediately discounting anyone who misspells obvious words, I'm missing out on something.  For example, what if this is actually the best apartment in the city?

Then I think, Do I really want to rent from someone who can't even get such a small thing right?

(The answer is no, in case there was any doubt.)

Misunderstood Words

On a recent flight, the annoying teenage girl in front of me was looking at the safety information card that can be found in the seat pocket in front of you.  I glanced at it and saw what I thought were special instructions for a "Tall Exit."  At once amused and outraged, I pulled out my own card and looked at it again.  Then I snapped a picture of it, thinking, Wow, so now tall people can't even escape from a plane the normal way?

It wasn't until I put my camera away that I noticed it actually said, "Tail Exit."

That's why I love the written word.  You can read something over and over again and it may not be until the third time that you finally get it.  When it's written down, you have time to mull it over to make sure you're understanding the message, which you don't always have a chance to do with spoken conversations.  That's also why I never liked text messages.  There's still plenty of opportunity for misunderstanding, but the immediacy encourages you not to think about things first.  Then of course you have the results of the miscommunication right there in front of you to read over again.  And again.

Spelling Words

When I was younger (think college), I couldn't spell the word privilege to save my life.  For whatever reason, I just couldn't learn the order of the letters.  I had to look it up every single time.  Finally, one day I decided to learn it, for once and for all, and I did.  It was simple, once I actually tried.

There's an epidemic of the privilege situation going on, and it spans the globe.  Working at a publishing company, I read a lot of proposals and descriptions of books claiming they were indispensable.  But they were actually indispensible.  The first few times I thought nothing of it, because I wasn't sure how to spell that word.  But then when I saw it written the other (right) way, I figured it was just another American/British English spelling difference.  So I looked it up, only to find that -ible doesn't even exist.

Since that revelation, I've come across the word countless times, and there was always a 60/40 split, wrong to right.  So now I'm just stumped.  Is this all a big conspiracy to get me to think I'm spelling the word correctly but really I'm wrong?  Or are entire countries unaware of the word's proper spelling?  Honestly I'm not sure which it is.

Safe Word

For a construction site?  Sure.  For life?  No way.  Safety=safety.  That's it.

I could have remained at my job and been incredibly safe.  Now that I have no job, I'm terrified and unsure and feel anything but safe.  But I still think it was the right decision.  While it definitely could end up being the stupidest thing I've ever done, it could also end up being the best.  Had I stayed, I know for a fact it would not have been the best thing I've ever done.  So for me, risk=possibility.  And that's the most beautiful word I can think of right now.

Inhuman Words

It's finally happened--my worst fear--computers are taking over the world.  How do I know?  They can now decipher CAPTCHA codes.  So now computers are more human-like than I am.  It's only a matter of time before they start doing other things better than I can: cooking, singing, installing air conditioners.  I know, there are probably robots who already do these things, but I don't have time to think about it, okay?  I'm putting all of my energy into resetting my password:

Upside down word--no way to know which order you want.

Cut-off sideways letters, nice one.

It's Greek to me.

      Seriously?

Lucrative Words

Next week when I'm officially unemployed, if I go sit by this sign -

- is that technically considered "looking for work"?

Sweet Words

I'm not a designer, nor can I think of a situation in my past, present, or near future when I would need to create Lorem Ipsum for anything.  So maybe I should be a bit ashamed to admit that I just spent five minutes generating dessert-related nonsense filler text using Cupcake Ipsum.  But I'm not.  Because Jelly lollipop ice cream cheesecake chocolate.  And Croissant candy canes caramels chocolate bar croissant cookie gummi bears. 

And also, I discovered a dessert I didn't know existed: faworki.  So it was totally worth my time.

3 Little Words

I quit, yo.

Okay, so maybe I didn't actually use any of those words except the first one in my resignation, but trust me, the sentiment got across.  People keep asking me how I feel, and to be honest, it feels the same.  I should feel terrified (because I don't have another job lined up), excited (because the future is unknown), and relieved (because I've been wanting to do this for a long time).  But so far I just feel like I'm still going to work each day and still have a steady paycheck for the next two-ish weeks.  So, normal.

Deep down, though, where all of my secret thoughts are stored--to only be released when I write, because otherwise the words just don't come--I'm ecstatic.  A part of my heart that's been dead for five years, or at the very least in hibernation, is stirring.  It's about to come alive (or wake up...I really should have stuck to one metaphor) and it is terrifying and exciting and relieving. 

For the next few days, when I think about what I've accomplished, well, I don't even have to think.  I quit, yo.  These three little words are huge.

Apologetic Words

I'm sorry to everyone I've ever offended by making fun of their terrible grammar or spelling.  Why?  Read this.

Did you read it?  Are you done laughing?  Okay, well, although I agree that the letter is hilarious, the outcome of the note--in case you missed it, that would be toilets installed on India's trains--is monumental...at least to people with tiny bladders.  Anyone?  Anyone else out there?  I can't be the only one.

So again, I'm sorry.  Apparently you can get your point across without a good grasp of how to use words.

Note: This doesn't mean I'm going to stop making fun of people's terrible grammar or spelling.  Only when they're writing about toilets.

Words Have No Meaning

I've been reluctant to write about the Occupy Wall Street Movement (in fear that the one person who accidentally found my blog somehow might discover this post and never come back again).  At first I thought I didn't fully understand it.  Then I received a random email from someone asking me to occupy Times Square, and it still didn't make any sense.  So this weekend, after walking past the group in Zuccotti Park, I said to my boyfriend--who already knows I'm clueless--"This is a dumb question, but what exactly do they want?"

Apparently, it's not clear to anyone.  While the movement's words get thrown around a lot, these people aren't specifically asking for anything.  The closest I could find on the website is that it "aims to expose how the richest 1% of people are writing the rules of an unfair global economy that is foreclosing on our future."

So it's about exposure.  Well, mission accomplished.  What now?  To me, it seems like the equivalent of standing up in front of the class and shouting, "Ew!  Billy just picked his nose and ate it!"  People are looking.  You have our attention.  So now what do you want us to do?

Maybe I'm ignorant.  Probably I'm ignorant.  But as much as I love words, I realize they're always going to be inanimate if there's no meaning behind them--you know, unless you use cool special effects.  So I guess I'm just waiting to find out what that meaning is.  Or see a really cool laser light show.  Now that's something I would support.

Words of Wisdom

Put on your coat; you're going to catch cold.

--said the fruit stand guy to me, after he finished asking about all of the grocery stores in a two block radius, which included Gristedes, Food Emporium, and the new arrival, Fairway.  It was his first day on the job so he wanted to check out the competition.

I've been briefly enamored by various fruit stand guys in the past (most memorable is the one who asked me where I'd been after I returned from a short absence due to a trip to Ohio), so this is nothing new.  But for some reason it always makes me inordinately happy when everyday, regular people are randomly nice to me.  It's probably because I have a hard time getting outside my own head and whatever random indignity is being replayed inside as proof that the world hates me for long enough to be randomly nice to everyday, regular people until they speak to me first.  One day I'd like to be the fruit stand guy to someone else.  It seems simple enough, but I know--at least for me--the words don't come so easily.

3-Letter Words

Poor Ben.  He's getting really desperate.

Reading Words: Half Empty

Half Empty
David Rakoff, 2010

Continuing on my nonfiction kick (which I have never, ever been on before, by the way), I started reading this book with the kind of glee only a true pessimist could appreciate.  "Hahaha," I thought to myself--or maybe I said it out loud--"This is going to be good."  And it was.  Rakoff's sardonic attitude toward his life's trials (some silly and some grave, regardless of your attitude) is extremely comforting to people like me, and people with a perpetually rosy outlook on life probably couldn't help finding some of it at least slightly amusing as well.

Unfortunately, I couldn't finish the book because I noticed on Saturday that it was overdue at the library and you can't renew overdue books.  I could have kept it till Monday, but then I would owe 50 cents vs. the 25 I owed already, and I had just paid off my last library debt.  It wasn't the money, you understand, but really just the principle of the thing, so I skimmed the second half and dejectedly parted with the book.

So I'll leave you with my favorite quote from the pages I can still read on Amazon: "Pessimists are born, true, but they can also be made."  Delightful.

It's a Word! It's a Plane! It's...

...strange skywriting!



Watching these words sloooooowly appear yesterday (by the time one was finished, the previous one had almost completely faded away), I was thinking how I could very easily turn them into a metaphor for the writer's career.  You do something that catches people's attention, so they stick around to see what will happen next.  After a while, though, they have a decision to make.  Does your audience remain loyal to you or shrug and decide the payoff can't possibly be worth the agonizing time wasted waiting for something more?  The lucky (and hopefully, in most cases, talented) planes keep their viewers captive regardless of how long they have to wait, and that's because they know that what's coming after will be worth it.  But what about when the words are brand new, in a patch of sky people don't usually look at?  Who stays to see the end?

Anyway, I won't use that metaphor because it's a little too obvious for my taste, but I will say that these words took a very long time to appear and I gave up before the entire message materialized.  Twice.

Right Words, Right Time

People say everything happens for a reason.  I think that's true, but most of the time, that reason is simply that a human being did something to make it happen.

Last year, it was my dream to get a creative writing MFA.  I couldn't think of anything better than spending two years with nothing else to focus on but writing, and I couldn't think of any other practical way to do that than by getting an MFA.  For whatever reason (it probably had something to do with the fact that I only applied to four top schools and had absolutely nothing to show for my so-called destiny to become a writer...but who can say for sure?), I didn't get in.  I was secretly devastated, even though I'd told everyone I'd never expected to get in.

Fast forward to now.  I am a New York Times-published writer.  Would it have happened if I had gotten into an MFA program?  Probably not, or at least not at this point.  But do I think fate had anything to do with this?  Nope.  I did it all on my own.  And honestly, it feels a lot better that way. 

(And even if fate did help out a little, no way am I sharing my glory with that lazy bastard.  You hear that, fate?  You can't just ignore me for 27 years and then swoop in and expect to share the by-line.)

Last Words

Steve Jobs' 2005 commencement address at Stanford has been passed around all day today as if it contained his last dying words, and rightly so.  It's compelling stuff.  The quote that almost had me in tears at my desk was:

I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

My emotional fragility aside, it's an easy concept to read or hear and respond to with, "Yeah!  I'm going to do that!  I'm going to quit my job if it's not making me happy and devote myself to what I love!  Immediately!" But Jobs might as well have said, "あなたが好きであることをしてください" (which is allegedly "do what you love" in Japanese...but don't go getting it tattooed onto yourself or anything, because it could actually mean, "do me in the lovely bathroom").  To me, that speech was in a foreign language.  For those of us who have been raised in a "do what you have to do" world, the entire concept of doing what you love simply because you love it is extremely difficult to comprehend.  It doesn't even seem like a real option, let alone something an actual human being could do without detrimental consequences.  That's how little it registers with my life experience up until this point.  

I hate my MacBook with a passion and wish it would finish literally falling apart so I could get rid of it.  But Jobs knew what he was talking about in that speech, I think.  And I think it's time I start learning to speak the language.

Perplexing Words

I had so many questions after seeing this sign:

1. Why was this guy asleep in his car?
2. Why was this guy so deeply asleep in his car that he couldn't hear/feel someone taking something from the vehicle?
3. Out of the important things he mentions he wants back (journal, magic stones, sacred items), which is the one worth $100?
4. What is the LAW OF THREE?  (I've since figured it out.  I think.)
5. Is that the proper use of "whomever"?  (No.)

Reading Words: Committed

Committed
Elizabeth Gilbert, 2010

I read the book that came before this one, Eat, Pray, Love.  I thought there was something horribly wrong with me when I wasn't terribly enamored with either the writing (it was good, but it didn't blow me away) or the story (I just couldn't get past the idea that the author was being paid to write about these soul-discovering experiences, and that had to somehow make them less authentic, right?  Or else I was just jealous that she got to travel around the world in the name of research...).

So I'm happy to report that this book I enjoyed immensely.  In fact, I think this informal study on the institution of marriage (based on the author's extensive research on the subject) should be required reading for anyone contemplating marriage--or for anyone who doesn't even want to think about getting married.  (I have been both of these people at various times in my life.)  It's refreshing to read musings about marriage from someone who isn't completely blinded by white dresses and flower girls, and yet at the same time does manage to cheerlead a little bit for the practice, despite her best efforts.

One of the most interesting things, to me, is the book's subtitle.  In the version I read, the original hardback, the cover proclaims, "A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage."  Yet the paperback cover has erased that message and instead tells us the book is, simply, "A Love Story."  I guess the initial subtitle wasn't uplifting enough for all those girls who couldn't possibly understand how someone could be skeptical about getting that ring and living happily ever after.  Personally, I like the original better.

Fighting Words

I would never claim to be a grammar expert.  Fine, that's not true; I would claim that, but I would be wrong.  Maybe.  However, I've been around long enough to have certain grammar/spelling pet peeves, and the it's/its phenomenon is right up there at the top of my list.  If I had a penny for every time I saw a sign--some obviously professionally done and others not so high-budget--with the it's/its error, I'd have over 57 pennies.  Which wouldn't be enough to buy much, but it would be heavy.  And I'd be angry about having to carry around so many pennies.

Still, the quickest way to start a fight with me is not to make the it's/its mistake.  It's to accuse me of not knowing the proper way to use those words.  Don't believe someone could get so mad about something so seemingly trivial?  Well, then explain how, when I thought about this old blog post today, my fists instinctively clenched.  I'm not saying it's a good thing.  I don't think I could find even one person who'd say it's a good thing.  But it's the truth.  In all its glory.

An Undeniable Way With Words

Few writers (if any) have ever used made-up words as fluently as Dr. Seuss. For that reason and many others--including a little book called The Lorax, my personal favorite--I was delighted to see that I hadn't yet read all the doctor had prescribed.

Turns out there's a brand new collection of rarely read stories (available today, but sold out on Amazon till Friday).  I won't even try to pretend I'm just buying it for my nephew.